Dear Tourists,

Is it really necessary to amble down the street, zigging and zagging back and forth across the sidewalk? I know that you are just shopping and sightseeing, but I have things to do in this neighborhood. I live here. I'm one of the locals you look at like a zoo animal from your tour bus as I sit on my front steps in my pajamas smoking and drinking coffee with a neighbor. I realize San Francisco is a really fabulous place to be, and that folks will flock to downtown of supercool urban areas to get their fill of touristing behavior, and I am terribly grateful to live in a place everyone wants to visit.


Some days though, I see your butt, and it's clothed in ill fitting sweat pants that have a mildly offensive logo across the backside and a strange formation of bleach stains, and each cheek pops up individually because you are walking. so. slowly. and shaking those hips so they are hard to get around. Other times you are making a line outside of Sears Fine Foods or a cable car stop you think is better than the turnaround because the line is shorter (oh hey guys, by the way, San Francisco isn't an amusement park!) and blocking the whole sidewalk.

So you all know, there are over 700,000 residents of San Francisco. Over a million people commute into the city for work on weekdays. Your vacation is our business as usual. Consider that as you stroll out of your hotel in the morning, bloated from eating overpriced, bland, midwestern fare that doesn't represent our city's incredible epicurean delights in the slightest.

Condescendingly,
Lauren

Dear MUNI,

I love it when synchronicity is the word of the day and the 27 meets the 71 perfectly, or the N picks me up at the beach when I'm wet and cold and tired just after sunset. In those moments I think I could kiss nearly any of the contaminated surfaces you provide me with day after day.

It's just that when I have to wait through 179872343 T's to catch a J and I end up waiting 45 minutes for a train when I could just WALK to the Mission if I had the right shoes on, (but of course I don't because I'm busy being so darn cute all the time), I want to punch you in your face. And I imagine that could hurt my hand, seeing as you're a huge bureaucratic government run agency and all. I'm scrappy, but I ain't that tough.

Perhaps we could compromise and you could finally work out the kinks the the Third Street Corridor project and get my trains running in some kind of reasonable fashion again? Please?



The girl who relies on you whether you're working for her or not,
Lauren