Dear Tourists,

Is it really necessary to amble down the street, zigging and zagging back and forth across the sidewalk? I know that you are just shopping and sightseeing, but I have things to do in this neighborhood. I live here. I'm one of the locals you look at like a zoo animal from your tour bus as I sit on my front steps in my pajamas smoking and drinking coffee with a neighbor. I realize San Francisco is a really fabulous place to be, and that folks will flock to downtown of supercool urban areas to get their fill of touristing behavior, and I am terribly grateful to live in a place everyone wants to visit.


Some days though, I see your butt, and it's clothed in ill fitting sweat pants that have a mildly offensive logo across the backside and a strange formation of bleach stains, and each cheek pops up individually because you are walking. so. slowly. and shaking those hips so they are hard to get around. Other times you are making a line outside of Sears Fine Foods or a cable car stop you think is better than the turnaround because the line is shorter (oh hey guys, by the way, San Francisco isn't an amusement park!) and blocking the whole sidewalk.

So you all know, there are over 700,000 residents of San Francisco. Over a million people commute into the city for work on weekdays. Your vacation is our business as usual. Consider that as you stroll out of your hotel in the morning, bloated from eating overpriced, bland, midwestern fare that doesn't represent our city's incredible epicurean delights in the slightest.

Condescendingly,
Lauren